Right now my life has been turned inside out. I don’t feel like me anymore, I’m not even really sure who I feel like. Each moment I feel the tears bubbling under the surface, just waiting for some ridiculous excuse to come spilling over. Nights are hardest. The night is long, and dark and filled with despair. A crying baby is enough to send me over the edge. Sleep is a distant memory, something I chase, but never seem to catch. Normal, routine, these are words from my past. Instead of enjoying my beautiful new baby, I spend my time looking down at him wondering what I have done for the two of us to be stuck in this nightmare. Wondering when it will end, when things will get better.
I’m supposed to be enjoying my babymoon, not praying that I can just get through the next five minutes and then the next five minutes. I’m supposed to be laughing and smiling at my gurgling baby boy. Now I hold a screaming infant and I feel helpless to do anything. I feel this disconnect from him, I can’t seem to understand him to help him. I don’t want that. I don’t want any of this.
My dear sweet knitting friends threw me a birthday party tonight. It was hard to enjoy, and I hate saying that. I felt like I was stuck behind a glass partition, looking out at everyone’s joy and feeling the mud of depression sucking me down. I wanted to be happy and have fun, but it was just so much effort. I felt bad for feeling this way. I’m tired of feeling like this, feeling empty, feeling desperate, feeling angry and at times feeling nothing at all. I just want to be me again and I want Seannan to be a happy, comfortable baby.