Is There Life Out There?

She married when she was twenty
She thought she was ready
Now she’s not so sure
She thought she’d done some living
But now she’s just wonderin’
What she’s living for
Now she’s feeling that there’s something more

Is there life out there
So much she hasn’t done
Is there life beyond
Her family and her home
She’s done what she should
Should she do what she dares
She doesn’t want to leave
She’s just wonderin
Is there life out there

She’s always lived for tomorrow
She’s never learned how
To live for today
She’s dyin’ to try something foolish
Do something crazy
Or just get away
Something for herself for a change

Is there life out there
So much she hasn’t done
Is there life beyond
Her family and her home
She’s done what she should
Should she do what she dares
She doesn’t want to leave
She’s just wonderin
Is there life out there

There’s a place in the sun that she’s never been
Where life is fair and time is a friend
Would she do it the same as she did back then
She looks out the window and wonders again

Is there life out there
So much she hasn’t done
Is there life beyond
Her family and her home
She’s done what she should
Should she do what she dares
She doesn’t want to leave
She’s just wonderin
Is there life out there

These are the lyrics to a country song. I remember hearing this a long time ago, back when my mom was listening to more country. My best friend sent me the lyrics yesterday and I’d say they are spot on. This, this is how I’ve been feeling lately. Again, first world problem, but a problem it is. My adulthood started when I was 16. Heck, when most kids my age were getting cd players over their Junior Christmas break in high school, I got married. Of course, it was my own foolishness that started this long chain of events. Since then I really haven’t done much of anything for myself. I put my dreams of college on the back burner so that my daughter’s father could go to college. It was more important for him to go, and we didn’t have the money for both of us to go. A hard pill to swallow. Even harder to swallow, again, when you are 32 and doing it all over again. Travis is looking to go to college, by my urging. Again, it just makes more sense for him to go to college, and for me to continue to raise the kids. Again, no money for both of us to go. I’m glad he’s going and I really think this is going to be so life changing for him. Again though, it just throws into sharp contrast how little of my life I have lived for me. I have given up many things for the good of other people in my life. I did it and mostly, I’ve been glad. Lately though, my stay at home mom shoes have been pinching my feet. I love my job, I love my kids, and I know our decision for me to stay at home is giving them a great start in life.  However…I want more. Small things, and big things, just more than the life I am currently leading. I want to do something for myself.

Over the years whenever I get to feeling like I can be that person I want to be, I get pushed back into that “mom” mold by society, by family, by friends. Every time I try to morph back into Tracey, not just a mom, I get, “You’ve changed? What’s up? Is something wrong? You’re not your usual self.” Well yes actually, this is me, I’m just not allowed to be “me”, because I’m expected to just be mom. That’s not fair. Not just to me, but to every mom. We are more than our productive status. This also applies to all the women out there who don’t want to have kids and are constantly pressured by society/family to have kids. Push, push, push us into that mold so that once we are there, we are not allowed to be anything else.We have to be super mom and we are not allowed to burn out. It’s an impossible task.

Please, don’t get me wrong, being a mother, even at the age of 16, was and is the most incredible experience of my life, but it’s not all of my life. It is a part of my life that is immensely pleasurable to me and a huge blessing. However, I’m tired of being treated like it’s the only life I’m allowed because I chose to procreate. I don’t think I’m living a good model for my children by losing myself entirely to motherhood. I want my to bring my kids into my life, not make my life all about my kids.

I don’t want to leave, I’m just wondering if there’s life out there.

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3 Responses to Is There Life Out There?

  1. Gigi says:

    Don’t know what to tell you. I’ve been a Mom 57 years of my life. I’m proud of my kids, grandkids, greatgrandkids. . the seen and unseen ones. Some live so far away I’ll never get to see/know them. I still turn around in the store to see who’s calling ‘mom’ or ‘grandma’. Only my really closest ones call me Gigi. I’ve also enjoyed working as a secretary for a short time [before I got pregnant and pregnant and pregnant, etc] teachers aide/room mother when the youngest were in school. Did go to business school which has come in handy over the years taking care of the paperwork for all the adventures Grandpa got me into. Now that I’m retired I’m still a Mom. . . wouldn’t change it for the world. Gigi

  2. Gigi says:

    Another thing that is nice to hear from my kid. . . . Hockey Mom? Yes Gary I’ll be ready to go. in fact there’s a game Saturday night. Guess the trick or treaters will have to fend for themselves. Love ya, Gigi

  3. Susan says:

    You definitely need to start doing for you. I know it is something that will be hard to figure out how & when, but if you just start with one hour a week of being the crazy Tracey I knew, eventually I think you will be able to spend a little more time being you(!) and getting that satisfaction that you seem to be lacking. I know you have HUGE dreams but just start with something small & attainable and work your way back to the big dreams! Anyone who knows you knows that you love your children and they are your proudest accomplishment. That being said…you did miss a lot and hopefully you can find the time to start rediscovering some of that!

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