I have depression. I am dealing with it again. It has reared it’s ugly head in my life several times before. I hate it. I hate the social stigma attached to it. I hate the medical communities way of just throwing pills at it. I hate that to get any help at all it’s going to cost more money than I can afford, so I won’t get the help I need. Or, to be seen somewhere that I can afford there is a waiting list that is months and months long. I hate the fact that it’s taken me months to admit to myself that, yes, your depression is back. I hate how I feel. I hate how it colors everything I see and I can’t tell if something is really that crappy, or if it’s just my depression talking. I hate that there are people out there who think it’s not a real illness, that it’s all in our heads. I hate that there are Christians who think that because you are a Christian you should just be filled with so much joy that depression wouldn’t even be possible in your life. People just don’t understand how simple little things, even things that would help, are so hard to do. I remember when I had postpartum depression, a friend called me one day and said, “Hey, are you busy tomorrow? No? Great, I’m coming to take care of you and the kids for the day.” and she did. She showed up and brought lunch, she made me take a nap and watched the baby and folded my laundry and cleaned my living room, and made us dinner and had it on the table just as she was walking out the door so I didn’t feel like I had to “entertain”. It was the most wonderful thing because even to pick up the phone and say, “Help me, please.” was so hard.
Depression sucks. I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy. I am not one of those people who can just “take a pill” and feel better. I tried it, I felt better and worse at the same time. The side effects were nearly as bad as the depression. And I knew it was just putting a band aid over a bullet wound. I do know there are things that would help me, like going to the gym again, but feeling exhausted all the time from depression, yeah it’s just a big fat vicious cycle. Taking my supplements, but that would require me to remember to do so. I want off this merry go round.
eta: Without going into a lot of detail, I’ve taken steps to get myself on the road to recovery.