“You have been wanting to color outside the lines for a while now. I think you were simply afraid to take the step.” ~ A dear and wise friend
Have you ever wanted something so badly, for so long, that it consumes you? You spend so much time being told this is the way it’s supposed to be, this is what’s good for you, this is what you really need. Until suddenly those thoughts that weren’t necessarily your own to begin with become ingrained into your thinking. “Yes, yes, I do want this. It is what I want and need. Just like everybody else.” Or you’ve been after it so long that you don’t even realize that you’ve outgrown it? That you don’t need it anymore, even if at some point you did?
Then when it’s finally offered to you, on a silver platter, your hand reaching out to take it, you realize, “Wait, actually no, this isn’t what I want at all. This is what I’ve been told to want. This isn’t even what I need.”
I recently found myself looking at the possibility of a long term relationship, with someone who shared so many similar interests, beliefs, past experiences, future dreams. It had the potential to finally be that elusive thing I have been looking for since I lost it a decade ago. And while I was right there, hand raised to take it, a torrent of warning bells went off in my head,
“You don’t need this you know. You’re complete on your own.”
“Do you know how much work it is being the sun in someone else’s sky?”
“Do you even want someone other than you being the sun in your sky?”
“You’ve worked too damn hard to be free and not tied to someone.”
“Look how far you’ve come over the past year.”
“I’m not afraid to be alone anymore, in fact I quite prefer it.”
“DON’T TOUCH THAT FUCKING PLATE!”
So, I didn’t. I pulled my hand back as though recoiling from a burn. I won’t go into the details of my telling the person that I was not interested, as it was…messy. And it also confirmed a few suspicions I had about them in the beginning. That’s not the point of my story today, but see that bullet? Dodged it.
I’ve learned quite a bit about myself over the past year. My wants, my needs, my desires. Things I’m willing to put up with, things I’m not. I’m becoming more comfortable with discoveries about myself. I’m letting go of old crutches, shedding the last remaining vestiges of a religion that crippled me for decades. I’ve been nervous about what friends and family would think if I finally embraced feelings and ideas I’ve had running just under the surface. Things I’ve wanted, but didn’t dare to try because of the fear of being judged. I finally decided I didn’t care, and made some very non traditional decisions where relationships are concerned. Once I did make the step to start coloring outside the lines, I was at peace with my decision and really didn’t give a fuck what others thought anyway. The important players in my life accepted and loved me as they always do and of course I love them even more because of it. And no dad, I’m still not a lesbian. Although I do love quite a few of the women in my life. 😉
I made some decisions that were best for me and others involved. And in doing so I’m a bit stronger than I was. I’m even more comfortable in my skin than usual as there’s more room to move without all that extra dogma I was carrying around. I’ve discovered a friendship that is growing into something very dear to me. And reconfirmed what I’ve known all along, I am the yummy pie.
If you need me, I’m over coloring in the margins.