Dealing with disappointment

Life can be disappointing.

Whether its people who let you down.  Not getting that job you wanted.  Putting on some winter weight.  Your damn brownies with the expensive Dutch processed cocoa not coming out the way you wanted.  At some point in your life you will be disappointed.  Repeatedly.  Even by the same people and things.

Here’s where patience and a bit of love comes in.  All of you that know me personally are shaking your heads.  I am not well known for my patience.  For some things though it’s easy.  Like brownies, I love brownies and so really, I just need the patience to bake them over again being more consistent with my measurements and by reducing the baking time with this batch.

Sometimes it’s harder.  I am currently unemployed.  I have been out of the workforce for a long time having babies and such.  Well now I find myself in a crappy position.  The jobs I’d like to do are being taken up by people who don’t have a six-year gap in their employment history.  And even the crappy jobs that nobody wants, I’m being skipped over for because I’m over qualified and employers are leery about hiring someone ridiculously over qualified for a minimum wage job that any teenager would be happy to have.  Hooray for catch 22’s.

So, I’m being patient.  Will I be unemployed forever?  No.  Do all the hours filling out online job applications with no results suck?  Yes, but it’s a necessary evil.  It’s not a total loss though.  In this down time I am taking steps to make myself more employable.  I am doing some online training and brushing up old skills and learning new ones.  I am getting a whole lot of cooking and experimenting in the kitchen done.  And lets not even talk about all the knitting I’ve done.

I have a relationship in my life that has been, mmm, rocky at best.  This person and I have had our ups and downs.  I’ve incurred enough baggage to fill a jet making a trans-Atlantic flight from this relationship.  I’ve decided after many, many years of disappointments and hearing the same old tired lines, that I’m just walking away.  I’m not angry, I’m not sad.  I’ve had years of those emotions.  I’m just done.  And of course the moment I made that decision this person reached out to me.  Again.  What will come of this new chapter?  Who knows.  I’m just going to patiently wait for them to make their move, while I go about my life doing my own thing.  I’m done being the proactive person in this relationship.  I do love them dearly, make no mistake about that, however at this point in my life I can take or leave this relationship.  Love and patience.

That’s all that’s on my mind today darlings.  I hope your day is going well for you.

 

Learn, bitch face

I woke up this morning with my bitch face on.

It’s stuck too. I can’t seem to pull the damn thing off. I’m pretty good at giving myself a firm talking to and regrouping so I can salvage my day. Today just doesn’t seem to want to cooperate. First off. There was more f#$%^@#$^@ snow on the back patio when I woke up.

Snow.

Notice how it’s a four letter word? Yeah, me too.

Now this happens every year. Granted this year seems to be taking forever and to be honest, it’s been a couple decades in my memory since we’ve had one of ‘those’ winters. Alas, here we are. March and it’s still cold and windy and toes are still freezing from the concrete floors in the house.

I’m still looking for a job. I’m hoping to hear back about a crappy retail, minimum wage job this week, ((I describe it as thus, but I’d be over the moon to have it, and probably enjoy it quite a bit) but the week is half over already and I’m starting to lose hope for that one. It amazes me how hard it is to even get a job in retail these days.

Anywho my darlings, even if I can’t be all Mary Freakin’ Sunshine today, I am determined to get shit done.

I am writing today because I’m a writer and for me to be a writer, I have to write. Funny how that works.

I am going to make amazeballs dry rub ribs for dinner.

I am going to have a second and possibly third cup of coffee and stay awake.

I am going to study my programming book.

I am going to learn.

Something.

Anything.

And that, my darlings, is what will make today salvageable. I love to learn. You should too. I like to think it’s innate in all of us. And yet so many people consistently prove me wrong. Learn something every day. Even if it’s something small and simple. Grow. It’s what keeps us alive.

I am one of those rare individuals who actually has an open mind. I’m a friggin’ sponge! I have heard it said many times that it’s pointless to discuss politics and religion with people because you aren’t going to change anyone’s mind. Heck, I’ve even said it myself. But, you want to talk to me about politics and religion? Fantastic! As long as reason and logic are present, there is a good chance I will see your point. You could very well broaden my mind and swing me over to your side. I might learn something. Keep your mind open and your mouth shut and see what happens. (That second part is especially hard for me.)

I read somewhere or someone told me, I can’t remember which, something very important and it’s stuck with me. “If you don’t think you’re smart, surround yourself with people smarter than you. If you think you’re smart, surround yourself with smart people who disagree with you.” Again, learn, grow.

It’s 12:43 and do you want to know what I’ve learned so far today?

As of Tuesday, the IRS will now treat Bitcoins as taxable property.

A fan brush is perfect for applying small amounts of product, such as bronzer, highlighter, or blush, to your face. It is an excellent contouring brush as well.

Consistently is spelled ‘ently’ not ‘antly’.

Programs convert raw data into meaningful information.

The throttle twist grip, [on a motorcycle] connected to the carburetor butterfly or throttle slide, controls airflow, through the carburetor throat.

See? All cool stuff.

Know what? I think my bitch face just slid off.

What I Want To Be When I Grow Up

When I grow up, and I’m not entirely sure that I will, this is me just postulating, I want to be happy.

Yup, that’s it.

I want either to get paid to do what I love or do something that allows me to do what I love when I’m not getting paid.  I don’t need some grand career that sounds impressive when I’m out for a beer with friends. I don’t need to measure up to your standards, and I don’t need to listen to all of your unsolicited advice. I don’t need to make you happy, or him, or her, or her, or him, and certainly not her.  I need to take care of me. I need to take care of my kiddos. Pretty simple really.

Would I like boatloads of cash so I could own every pair of shoes that strikes my fancy. Or pick up every cosmetic I’ve ever wanted to try. Or have a garage full of old motorcycles and cars. Or an entire room devoted to my fiber addiction. Sure. But that wouldn’t make me happy. So it’s not important. I’m not trying to keep up with the neighbors or anyone else for that matter.

I want to be the best person I can be. I want to be a great mum and a good friend. I want to be a caring partner. That would make me very happy.

 

I’m watching you.

I am proud of myself today.

I did something good for me.

I have had depression on and off since high school. It’s something I’ve struggled with for most of my adult life.  Over the years I’ve learned how to head it off at the pass.  I have a network of people in place that I can talk to.  I have certain coping strategies to help me get out of the pit, before I get mired down too far.

One of the hardest things about depression is admitting that it’s there.  The absolute hardest part of depression, and those who’ve been there will concur, is asking for help when you are in your dark place.  It’s not even a pride thing, sometimes it is quite literally beyond our capabilities to say, “Help me, please.”  Especially when you’ve been in the dark for a while.

No one wants to talk about it.  No one wants to say, “Here we go again.”  We don’t talk about these things.  If we just ignore them, they’ll go away.  But they don’t.  And I’m talking about it, because the stigma that comes along with this illness is just plain ridiculous, and I’m tired of it.  I am not broken.  I am not flawed.  Well, okay that’s bull, we’re all flawed.  Anyway, my point is, I’ve got this.  I’m on it.  The more we talk about it, the more we can help others.

This morning I took a good, hard look at myself and I saw it there, creeping in around the edges.  Depression.  To be honest, I expected it a lot sooner, my mom died, I lost my job and my home, I miss my kiddos, the winter has been long and dark.  So, I made a decision.  I told people.  My people.  My safety net.  In doing so I know that I have taken real steps to ensure that this doesn’t get further than the edges.  I am climbing out using the ladders I installed before I was in the pit.  I am being proactive, and it feels good. 

Oh just bake off will you?

I am a nutter.

There’s really no way of getting around it.  I’ve just got to accept the fact that I’m knitting with only one needle and go with it.  I like my brand of nutter anyway.

Case in point, point in case, how does that one go?

Today, because I have a certain itch, I will be baking:

Glazed Banana Pumpkin Muffins

Chocolate Chip Cookies

Deadly Chocolate Cake with Bacon Bits

and a couple of casseroles.

Sometimes, you just need to say screw it all, and bake.  ALL THE THINGS! I just get this urge to nest in my kitchen and while I’m there, good stuff will be coming out.  And I may be holed up in there for days.  Of course while the boyfriend may appreciate this, my waistline will not.  I think I’m going to take up running again, immediately after my baking frenzy.  I’ll run away from all the fat in my kitchen.  Oh and if you’re in the neighborhood, feel free to pop in for a bite.  If I’m getting fat, so are all of you.