An old friend stopped by this afternoon

It’s snowing today.

Big, fat, white, beautiful flakes.

I am baking cookies while cars pass outside my window on the slick streets. My two boys are downstairs napping, one with pneumonia, finally resting. My daughter is at a party for her friend.  I am looking on Pinterest for gift ideas for Christmas. Passenger has been playing on Spotify since early last night.

And it comes, in the quiet of the afternoon.

The sadness. That ache inside. It wells up inside me now and again. A deep seated melancholy that I carry with me always. It is corporeal sometimes, slipping it’s fingers around my shoulders like a lover. Reaching inside me, wrapping it’s fingers around my heart and squeezing. Gently, just enough to make my heart ache.

I think of things I’ve lost, people who are long gone, things I will never do. I think of the home I left behind. I think of the many things I am facing in the days ahead. I think and let this emotion wash over me. It feels good to be sad every now and again. It feels good to remember sad things. It is the bitter that makes us recognize the sweet. Loneliness, sadness, longing, all things we experience from time to time.

Instead of changing the station to something poppy and ridiculously happy, I will let silent tears slip down my cheeks today and enjoy this time alone. This time to remember, to miss, to let all of things in my head and heart swirl around. Effervescent bubbles of release and understanding rising to the top. Ah friend, wrap your arms around my shoulders and squeeze my heart tight. I want to feel the lonesome as the winter sky darkens tonight.

Spitting in the Universe’s eye

It’s often been noted by anyone who spends any decent amount of time with me, that I tend to be a target for minor and major crisis, crappy luck, shit storms, cluster fucks, and whatever else the Universe can throw at me. I have a good friend who also has a target painted on their back, and we often joke that we must have curb stomped puppies and kittens in a former life for all of the bad karma we are making up for now. 

I find myself looking for a job. Rather suddenly. I will also most likely be looking for a place to live as well. All of this has to happen rather quickly or we will be up a very specific creek without a paddle. Did I mention my kindergartner is struggling in school, and that’s an understatement. He hates school. He most likely has ADHD. I’m working on that too. And then there’s my wee one who is probably looking at speech therapy. And we have to get the teenager accepted into college and signed up for financial aid.  Then there’s mom’s cancer. I have some potentially scary medical issues that I don’t have the money to take care of. Oh yeah, and Christmas is fourteen days away. All of this stuff seems to be wanting my attention all at once and immediately. And all of this sits squarely on my shoulders as a single mother of three.

Yep, just another day in my life. 

Here’s the thing though. I love my life. I do. I have hand picked an amazing ‘family’ for myself here in PA. I have a family back home in NY that loves and supports me. I know no matter how cold the house gets when the furnace breaks or we run out of fuel oil, that I have friends who will gladly offer us a couch or bed for the night. I know that if I’m feeling weighed down by all of this I can pick up my phone and have dozens of friends who will gladly let me bend their ear for a while. Every Thursday I hang out with a bunch of crazy knitters who would stab someone with a DPN if they messed with one of our group. I have people who I see every week and people I’ve never met in person, all who are an important and special part of my life. I have people, yo. Good people, great people in my life. 

And those kids of mine? Man life would be so much easier without them in it…and empty, and silent and devoid of qtip wars and Elizabeth making goofy faces at me and Finny smiles and Seanny snuggles. It’s a shit job being a parent, but it’s the best career choice I’ve ever made. Anyone who’s met my daughter knows how absolutely incredible she is. She’s fucking brilliant! She’s smart and talented and funny and sarcastic and beautiful and witty and resourceful and she’s going to kick ass as an adult. Then there’s my Finnigan. I swear he’s not of this world. I am still completely convinced that devilish imps left a fairy child on my door step. Even when he’s up to his ears in trouble or feeling like crap because he’s sick, that twinkle never leaves his eye, and that smile never leaves his lips. If it flies or travels in space he’s in love with it. And everything that makes him so difficult now, is what’s going to make him an amazing adult. And Seannan, holy cow, no one can snuggle like that kid. He is my quiet little storm. So independent and bull-headed, and yet so in love with his mama and his Big Sissy and his brother. 

I tell myself often, that it won’t always be like this, that someday things will be better, more stable, more reliable. And I do believe it, but I also know that target painted on my back for the Universe ain’t going no where, and that’s fine by me. Because of all the storms I have weathered, I am the person I am today. I’ll always have dirt on my knees from getting knocked down, but I’ll always get up. I may have a big ‘ol ugly cry, complete with snot running down my face, but I’ll most likely end up smiling while I’m honking my nose too. I swear I don’t know if I’m an eternal optimist or a masochist. Probably both, heh, heh. 

Yeah, this is my life. It’s a friggin’ mess, but it’s mine, and I love it and I love the people in it. Bring it Universe, I’ll stab you in the eye with my DPN’s and do it whistling all the while.