Broke, not broken

So right now we are really in a bind financially. We are slowly snowballing into fiscal disaster. We have one of the tightest budgets you will ever find. We don’t have health insurance for ourselves anymore, we just can’t afford it. The kids are all covered and thank God for that. Life is what kills us, our budget works for the most part, so long as none of those little (or hugely disastrously big) expenses comes up and bites us in the butt. That’s the problem though, life comes up every month, and it’s those little expenses that crop up here and there that really kill us. If we get behind on one bill it just snowballs out of control until we are looking at our expenses and wondering how we are ever going to get it under control. The thing is, every time we get back on track, not even ahead, just back on track, something comes along and plows us under and here we go all over again.

Lately we’ve been considering applying for some government assistance. I look at the many programs we qualify for and instead of feeling better I feel sick to my stomach. You head out into life with expectations, plans, goals and sometimes life throws you a curve and instead of ending up in the Coast Guard and working on a degree in marine biology you find yourself blissfully married and living in PA with the three most gorgeous children in the world. Yet, I never expected to be in this place.  I never expected to be “this” family. I don’t think we are “that” family, I look at our nice home (which others are amazed that a family of 5 lives there) and the many nice “things” we have in our lives and think, “There is no way we need government assistance.” Yet in stark reality, by the income charts, we are “that” family. Household number of 5, $30,500 a year. The crazy part is I look at the max you can make to receive government assistance and think to myself, “If we made that much we wouldn’t need it!” I never wanted to be here, no one does. Despite friends and family’s encouragement, “It’s just until you get back on your feet.” “It’s the people that exploit the system that give it a bad name, you aren’t like that.” I still feel so…labelled. I don’t even want to call and find out what help we can get. I will, but I hate it.

The thing is, I am happy, and so is my family. I guess I feel like because we are broke, we should be broken. Seannan is turning one on Monday. I have had several inquiries asking what he needs. Nothing. He needs nothing. We have plenty of toys from big brother’s previous birthdays/Christmas, etc. He has a huge wardrobe of clothes from big brother hand-me-downs and Grandma D picking up deals on the clearance rack. And let’s face it, he’s just happy to be loved on, eat his own weight in Cheerios, and play in a card board box. The same can be said for his older brother. Big Sissy is beautiful and creative and talented. I have a husband who I am madly in love with and vice versa. I have so many blessings in my life that I can’t even begin to count them. God has really been so good to me, and to our family as a whole. Sometimes I get so used to the world’s view of our family, that I forget how truly rich we are. Yeah, some of the bills are behind. Sure it’s a challenge and we don’t know how we are going to get over this hill. For us though, trusting that God has a plan to see us through and enjoying the rich blessings He has poured out on us is enough.